Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no