Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?