Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister