My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
had to share :’)
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time