If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The happy life.. 😊
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”