Big Sex has us all fooled
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.