Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.