“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.