My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
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Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Always 🥴
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Whoa 😂
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
What the hell is going on?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce