This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
dam girl
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’