I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow