me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I’m literally crying
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
how much for the angry fruit?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Goat cheese is for herders.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!