Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*