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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.