Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one