[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.