Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Where is your GOD now????
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.