The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.