doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Wake me when AI does housework
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*