love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?