A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Check out the legs on this baby
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.