I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
they finally got him. they got macavity
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”