Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*