Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.