Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
You Might Also Like
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Meow
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*