calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call