14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
BRAKING NEWS!!
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself