Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
welcome back
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.