The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“HELP WITH CAT”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me :
All Day At Night
Still laughing at this stupid meme