I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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The “baby” on the left….
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!