Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”