Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
The game has officially changed 😎
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Haha good job!!
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
All set.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Goat cheese is for herders.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.