My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside