I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I beg your pardon?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting