Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Fries, not lies.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?