the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe