Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
You Might Also Like
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery