I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You Might Also Like
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?