“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
You Might Also Like
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?