If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me