Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
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frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.