Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Still my favourite meme.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.