nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
You Might Also Like
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
79.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.