“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
You deplete me
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that