Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing