My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.