(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.