Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*