Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.