I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
synchronized noseblowing
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?